because i have brown eyes.

"Soul Meets Body"

By Death Cab for Cutie

I want to live where soul meets body

And let the sun wrap its arms around me

And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing

And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there's a greyhound station

Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations

So they may have a chance of finding a place

where they're far more suited than here

And I cannot guess what we'll discover

When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels

But I know our filthy hands can wash one another's

And not one speck will remain

And I do believe it's true

That there are roads left in both of our shoes

But if the silence takes you 

Then I hope it takes me too

So brown eyes I hold you near

Cause you're the only song I want to hear

A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body

Where soul meets body

Where soul meets body

And I do believe it's true

That there are roads left in both of our shoes

But if the silence takes you

Then I hope it takes me too

So brown eyes I hold you near

Cause you're the only song I want to hear

A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

the florescent orangey-pink room.

Ladies and Gents... here it is: My room. The florescent orangey-pink-melon colored room! The day of painting was not promising at all, but now, the color and the entire room is exactly what I wanted!! I love my room. It's relaxing, girly, modern, chic, and different! Thank heavens I kept on painting even after I hated the first two painted walls. And a special thank you to the person who helped me and convinced me to finish it, knowing I would probably like it in the end. Now I just have to order the photos for all the frames and the room will be complete! Perfect.

the ex... boss.

I nearly forgot about the man until he unwelcomely appeared in my dream (or should I say nightmare?) the other night.. 

I worked for him for three years.. it was a small company, i was the only employee. His wife did the books. He seemed kind and welcoming most of the time, but deep down he was a jerk – a stereotypical "businessman" perhaps. He was a pushover and definitely did not wear the pants in the family. I wonder now how on earth I worked for him for three years. First of all, I got paid crap. At first it seemed like a lot just being right out of college and all, but when I was promised a raise and didn't get one, I was not a happy camper. I waited for that raise for a couple years, then finally started looking for a new job that would pay me more. I confronted him about the situation by asking if he'd be a reference on my resume. It was quite possibly the hardest (or most awkward, uncomfortable and nerve-racking) experience ever.. I could hardly even talk! And I don't think he was happy (did I care?). Well, I got a raise and I stayed. 

My work computer was a pile. Slower than shit. I could have done my job much better had I been working on the most up to date computer and software programs (my job requires specific programs and a fast working computer to produce quality work). Oh, but he was cheap and would not spend a dime to better his company and what came out of it. 

I would have to sit and listen to him talk to clients on the phone. One lie after the other. One time he actually pretended he was doing something (i think with his camera), he would pause, and then tell the person on the other line that it wasn't there, or did not work, or whatever it was. I was shocked. Are you kidding?!?! That was real genuine... or not.

It was my birthday. He called in the morning because he was late as usual (but who am I to talk?).. wanted me to search for a birthday e-card for his best friend's uncle's grandma's sister's baby(okay, maybe it was a cousin of his) because it was her birthday. Hmm, no birthday wishes for me! I was rather mad at the time, but it was humorous just the same.

He was always changing everything I did.. had to be his way. Understandable to a degree since it is his company, but why hire someone if you are constantly changing their ideas. It became extremely frustrating and degrading. Soon enough I really didn't care anymore which is no way to make a living. 

Him and his wife would sit across the office (it was just one big room) and whisper. Really? I am part of this company too buddy. If you have something THAT important that I absolutely cannot hear, why don't you talk about it at home. I felt like such a moron when they would do that to me! One time he even asked if I "could step out of the office for a little while". 

Lovely.

After three years it was time for me to leave. I was relocating across the state. Normally wouldn't you do something nice for a three year employee when they leave the company? Maybe that is completely out of the question, I don't know. Call me crazy! But when I left, they did nothing for me. In fact, he was out of the office on my last day of work. That was it. 

To a degree, I thought we'd at least keep in touch a little. Afterall, his wife was nice and I babysat their child once in awhile. I would make a point to stop in and say hello if I was passing through town. He was completely unwelcoming. Almost rude. One time I stopped and he wasn't there so I left a business card of mine under the door with a note saying I stopped to say hi. I never did get a "thanks for stopping, sorry we missed you" email or anything. I sent a few emails attempting to keep in touch and ask how things are, tell him what I've been up to etc. His emails back were short, written in a way that made me believe he didn't really even pay attention to what I told him or what he was saying back. He even had the nerve to SPELL MY NAME WRONG. Yep, that confirmed it. Complete jerk. I absolutely do not have time for people like that in my life. I gave a lot to his company and was a good employee as well as good to his family on a personal level. If I don't get a little respect in return, then they have no place in my life. 

Oh, ha.. just remembered. I gave them a gift certificate to the nicest restaurant in town as a thank-you-for-giving-me-a-job type "goodbye" gift (it was more money than the gift they had mailed to me directly from an online store.. yeah.). I never ever once got a thank you for that even after I emailed him to make sure his wife had remembered to take it home and/or open it. 

My only words on that now are... hope the food was gross. PRICK.

my room is florescent... so what?

Last night I painted my room.

I've been dreaming of a coral-melon-orangy-pinkish painted room for awhile now — so I made a trip to the local hardware store to pick out the paint to make my dream come true. The color: Sweet Tangerine. It didn't look so promising in the can... but the dab of paint dried to match the color swatch almost perfectly... I was sold.

After the first sweep of paint was applied to the wall I hated it. Didn't know what the hell I was getting myself in to. Should I stop painting and go with my second choice – a calming light turquoise-bluish-green-aqua? That would require another trip to the hardware store, the cash for another can of paint, AND at least another day before the paint got on the walls. Not to mention, it would no longer go with the original thought out theme of my room (orangey/pink walls, black and white curtains and bedding, black and white picture frames, and light turquoise accents). So I thought I might as well continue painting thinking it would grow on me – dry darker than what it started out as – eventually being just perfect. 

We finished two walls. UGLY.

At this point I feel like I'm 14 again, painting my room florescent orangey/pink. Maybe I should just buy a whole bunch of stuffed animals to put on my bed and paint big butterflies on the walls while I'm at it? Dear God.

By the end of the evening I thought it was looking... OKAY. Tried convincing myself that once I hang my curtains and all my frames, the color will be just what I wanted. I. LIKE. IT. (maybe...?)

Then I woke up, nearly blinded by the florescent walls when I turned my light on. OH. Hate it again, imagine that. SHIT.

It's only 9:21 am now, but I think I've talked myself into finishing what I've started, getting it all set up the way my little brain thought it out to be, and see if it doesn't end up being just fine. After all, if a week or a month from now the color drives me absolutely bananas, it can always be covered up with a whole new color! 

sleepiness is setting in.

Maybe it is because I don't get my regular Caramel High Rise espresso drink every morning anymore? (this is very heartbreaking for me) Or maybe it is because I've been staying up later than normal? Not sleeping as well (that can't be it)? Not busy enough at work? Whatever the reason, I can feel the little men standing on my cheeks trying their hardest to pull my eyelids down, putting me in a deep sleep. (I thank my lovely sis for that metaphor!!) 

Every morning I wake up and declare "TONIGHT... I will go to bed early!" And every night it does not happen. Then this afternoon sleepiness kicks in and I say "I will take a nap after work." That doesn't happen either. I swear the days should be another 5 hours (or more) long.. then a girl could fit in a few more hours of sleep at night or a nap after work and STILL get all the other stuff done that never seems to go away... Target trips (on my list for this evening), grocery shopping, tanning (also on the list.. at least I get a brief nap with this one!), gym, TV shows (like American Idol perhaps? (also on the list)), walking the dog, making dinner, doing laundry, cleaning the house... I suppose the list could go on and on because it certainly does in this crazy life. So, either the days get longer... OR... someone switches the regular work week to four days instead of five, adding another day to the short weekend. 

I guess this is just life as I know it... and if that is all I have to complain about, then my life is pretty damn great. ;)

just because.

"Such Great Heights" 

by The Postal Service

I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles 

in our eyes are mirror images and when

we kiss they're perfectly aligned.

And I have to speculate that God himself

did make us into corresponding shapes like

puzzle pieces from the clay.

And true, it may seem like a stretch, but 

it's thoughts like this that catch my troubled

head when you're away, when I am missing you to death.

When you are out there on the road for

several weeks of shows and when you scan

the radio, I hope this song will guide you home.

They will see us waving from such great heights,

Come down now, they'll say

But everything looks perfect from far away,

come down now, but we'll stay...

I tried my best to leave this all on your machine

but the persistent beat it sounded

thin upon listening

And that, frankly will not fly. You will hear the

shrillest highs and lowest lows with

the windows down when this is guiding you home

They will see us waving from such great heights,

Come down now, they'll say.

But everything looks perfect from far away,

come down now, but we'll stay...

clarity.

Friday's post did not go well. Well, Friday in general, did not go well (until 10 pm). I ended the post with the statement that the weekend should bring some clarity to it all or at least make it go away for 48 hours. Hmm, never thought I'd be right with that statement. A weekend spent with some amazingly kind and genuine (not to mention.. fun) people made my life... perfect. A night out on the town, an afternoon trip to IKEA, and a quiet evening that involved wine, pool, darts, and a couch. Oh, and sushi AND mexican food both in one day? I mean, how much more perfect can life be!? All things that are so simple, so ordinary, yet so wonderful! But that just proves the theory that no matter what you do, no matter how ordinary it may be, it can be the most fun you've ever had if you do it with the right people. Everything is so clear to me now. And I am happy.

failure.

blah.

blah.

blah.

I've attempted to write on here seven different times today, but fail every time. Maybe later something brilliant will come to me and just maybe then I can make some sense out of it. Until then, I'll just leave it at this because right now that (above) is my response to everything that does nothing but confuse me in the end. (Must be one of those days?) The weekend should bring some clarity to it all. Maybe. Or at least make it go away.. if only for 48 hours..

really, dude?

Last night I tuned in to the season premier of American Idol. I enjoy this stuff... Some of the people are absolutely ridiculous which makes it hilarious. Not only their performances make it great, but the reaction of the judges is priceless. When they can't stop laughing because, quite frankly, the person is a horrible singer, or the way Simon can sit there with a straight face and then give the most blunt, straight-up truthful response to the performance. I love how what he says is something most people would never be able to think of, but soon realize is totally true. He can sum it up perfectly. Anyways, this video [american idol] made me laugh to tears last night. Little did I know, watching it again today would have the same effect. One question for the contestant... Really?

heartache.

Who knew you could love the creature we call a dog so much? I have an unconditional love for this thing pictured above. My little baby, the love of my life — my hound. She's been by my side since the day I chose her out of three other female vizslas. There has only been a few nights she has not slept next to me. She's like my child, literally. And today I have to give her up to live somewhere else, over an hour away from where I am. How do you do that? My heart is breaking and I am just plain sad. Those of you who have pets that you love as much as I love mine will understand where I am coming from. Those of you who do not, well, you probably think I'm crazy... but, that's okay, I know i'm not. ;)

jerk.

One of my biggest pet peeves has got to be rude people in general. Is a pleasant attitude and maybe a smile too much to ask of someone? On Saturday a few friends and I ventured to Woodbury in search of a new bed. Before the bed shopping we stopped to eat. We each placed our order then stepped aside to wait for it to be ready. I filled my cup with what I thought was water, but much to my surprise, knew that it was not when I took a drink — soda water. There were a few people standing around the soda machine area, taking up space like they were lost. So, I decided I'd dump out my soda water and refill it with what I wanted. As I dumped it out, I turned to the dude who was taking up space, smiled, and said to be sure not to use this one (as I pointed to the "one") if he wants water because it is not water. He glared at me, sort of put his hand up and said "go ahead". Woah. Oh, sorry, buddy... I didn't realize you were actually doing something productive by the soda machine since you seemed to just be standing there, thinking about what you wanted to drink or something. Being the sensitive person I am, I was a little hurt by his bitterness towards me! I apologized and stepped back so he could get his drink first since he was apparently in such a rush on a Saturday afternoon. As we got the last of our food and were about to head out, I noticed the crab-ass getting up for something. He scowled at me one more time just so I wouldn't forget how much he hated me. I mean, really? REALLY? If I hated life and this world as much as him I would have told him sorry that his marriage sucked and that he wasn't with his buddies drinking beer and watching football (or whatever it was that he wished it was doing) instead of eating at Chin's with his wife and kid. Asshole.

time-stealer.

I have a problem. It seems silly, but it's mentally exhausting and it makes me anxious after so long. You see, the thing is, when I sit in front of a computer all day at a job that allows internet access whenever, I am constantly refreshing my email page to see if I have any new messages. I am logged in, literally, all day. I never sign out. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. You would think a person could check their email (and any other networking sites : like facebook) 3 times a day and be satisfied. Another addiction, I think. An obsession perhaps. Why is it necessary to check so often? Really, it's not like I'm expecting any sort of life-altering email messages that must be read immediately. Makes me wonder what this world would be like if the internet and email never came to be. I mean, WHAT WOULD WE DO? I imagine the majority of us depend heavily on our email and the internet in general (after all, you can pay almost every bill online these days). I remember the first day I went on the internet — literally. First of all, I must have been about 14 maybe? 8th grade? Anyways, I was in my mom's classroom (she is a teacher), on her computer.. when I connected to the world wide web for the first time. I sat there looking at the screen (I don't recall what website I was on), and remember thinking "What now?". Someone told me you can look at anything. ANYTHING? I still sat there unable to think of what I could possibly look at. What? What on earth would I want to search for on this thing? Soon enough my girlfriends and I discovered the image search feature... We would sit there during basketball games and search for photos of the dreamy Leonardo DiCaprio... ahhhh, such a hunk. We'd print sheets and sheets of pictures of him. We'd cut them out and hang them in our lockers to stare at in between class just so we could daydream about him while we were actually in class. Then my friend helped me set up my first email account. I had no clue what the hell I was doing. Who knew 10 years later I would have an addiction to the damn thing. Good thing I have an iPod touch so that I can even check my email when I'm out at a place that has free Wi-Fi. What is this world coming to? What is next? Ohh, brother...

scarves.

pink. brown.

black & white.

they are all a lovely sight.

stripes. polka dots.

maybe just one color.

each is not like the other.

wool, cashmere, or even knit.

sure to be a perfect fit.

for fashion. for warmth.

for you or your dog.

for a picture on your blog.

wear them outside. 

or wear them all day.

i just love them any way.

that is all i have to say.

holy buckets.

Just read this:

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulacity uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dsneno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

my ultimate 2007 musical playlist.

((in no particular order.))

Motorcade - Beck

Addicted - Kelly Clarkson

First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes

Somewhere a Clock is Ticking - Snow Patrol

Falling or Flying - Grace Potter & The Nocturnals

Seasons of Love - Rent

The District Sleeps Alone - The Postal Service

Old School - Bran Van 3000

Such Great Heights - The Postal Service

Smae Mistake - James Blunt

That Says it All - Duncan Sheik

Come Home Angel - Dan Wilson

A Lack of Color - Death Cab for Cutie

Fix You - Coldplay

Falcon Settles Me - Rogue Wave

Speeding Cars - Imogen Heap

I Love My Car - Belle & Sebastian

Turpentine - Brandi Carlile

For You - Duncan Sheik

Hide and Seek - Imogen  Heap

Say It Right - Nelly Furtado

Don't Panic - Coldplay

Rehab - Amy Winehouse

Champion - Kanye West

New Slang - The Shins

Love On the Rocks - Sara Bareilles

Fallen - Sarah McLachlan

1234 - Feist

Crank That - Soulja Boy Tell 'Em

Amsterdam - Coldplay

Miami - Will Smith

Brace Yourself - Howie Day

The Way it Goes (Live) - Dispatch

Ooh La - The  Kooks

Look After You - The Fray

Warning Sign - Coldplay

Music:Response - Chemical Brothers

Seeing Other People - Belle & Sebastian

Kisses and Cake - John Powell

My Love - Justin Timberlake

Block Rockin' Beats - The Chemical Brothers

Cry - Dan Wilson

Everywhere - Bran Van 3000

Hundred - The Fray

Trouble - Coldplay

Tiny Vessels - Death Cab for Cutie

Won't Back Down - Mat Kearney

Conceived - Beth Orton

Sea Legs - The Shins

Like a Prayer - Madonna

Mashaboom - Feist

Everybody's Free - Sun Tan

You Could be Happy - Snow Patrol

Flake - Jack Johnson & Ben Harper

Scar (Jay Newland Mix) - Missy Higgins

Wicked Game - Chris Isaak

You Get Used to Somebody - Tim McGraw

Free Loop - Daniel Powter

London Bridge - Fergie

What's Up - 4 Non Blondes

How it Should Be (Sha Sha) - Ben Kweller

Trust Me - The Fray

Think I'm in Love - Beck

Movie Theme - Beck

jimminy crickets.

stuff to do.

zero motivation.

at least there is music.

my favorite fixation.

anxiousness is setting in.

after sitting here all damn day.

i want a beer.

i want to play.

bye.

self control.

Those who know me well, know that I am borderline addicted to the "skinny caramel high rise with light whip" from the fabulous Caribou Coffee. Maybe I can blame my 50 minute commute to work for this so-called addiction(?).. After going a few times, I guess I became dependent on the smooth, perfectly sweet morning espresso drink to get me to work satisfied. In fact, I have what remains of the one I ordered this morning sitting on my desk.. drinking it until the last drop is gone. 

There is $9.27 left on my very last gift card (note: I was given $60 worth of Caribou Coffee gift cards for Christmas – OMG). Things are beginning to be put into perspective in this little world I call my own. Yesterday my boss, so wisely, pulled out a calculator and did some math. If I went to Caribou Coffee and ordered my Caramel High Rise only THREE times a week every week all year (which is 52 weeks), I would spend a outrageous $617.76 on the heavenly (maybe not) drink. SIX-HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN DOLLARS AND SEVENTY-SIX CENTS!!! Ridiculous. Simply out of the question. I could purchase something worthwhile with that cash... 1. plane ticket anywhere, 2. coach purse I want (but don't need of course), 3. car payments, 4. rent, and countless other things. What am I thinking?!

It's time I possess the self control I know I have. Looking on the bright side.. maybe I'll lose 5 pounds before the year is over! And I might be able to finally purchase that coach purse I've had my eye on... :)

the bells.

I love dogs. They have so much personality and spunk — such intelligent creatures. They give you unconditional love and still show excitement even if you leave them home alone for 12 hours (you'd think they would hate you!). But I guess it goes both ways.. no matter how angry my pup makes me at times, I can't help be love her to pieces. If she's not getting on my nerves, she is usually making me laugh out loud with her silliness.

She was taught to ring bells (that are hung from the doorknob) when she needs to go outside. She caught on quickly and was doing a good job of informing humans when she had to go to the bathroom. Then something must have triggered in that little doggie brain of hers... she must have thought something like "Hey, this ringing bell gets my mama's attention.. I think I'll do it more often." And so she does. It happened yet again this morning as I beautified myself for another day of work. She jumped out of bed, did her regular "kitty stretch" as she woke up.. looked at me briefly and pretty soon ran to the door and rang the bells. I let her out. Ten minutes after I let her in she is ringing the bells again. She doesn't just tap them to make a little ring, she bats at them like a cat plays with yarn. Then she runs across the house to the doorway of the bathroom, sits down, and looks up at me with her puppy dog eyes and a little whimper. I do nothing. She runs back to the door, rings the bells, and is back to the bathroom five seconds later with another whimper. So I walk to the kitchen to let her out – she quickly backs away from the door with the expression "I don't need to go out!", then looks up at her treat jar. Smart little shit, she's now figured out the bells get my attention so she's using them to get whatever she may want, not just to be let outside. If she could speak, I imagine each whimper would mean something like "Pllleeeeeease, mama, just one more treat!!?" and "They are just sooo tasty!" "I WANT ONE!!! NOW!!!", "Pretty please mama.. how can you say no to this cute little puppy dog face." and "I'll love you forever. Pleeeease!" And believe me, it's hard to not give in to the sweet little pup that she is...

advice.

Many, many years ago, in a far far away land.. okay, kidding... on a ski trip, my best friend and I were given a CD from a cute ski lift operator dude. We listened to that CD over and over again, partially because we were in love with the cute ski dude who gave it to us, but also because we liked the music – especially one song. It was seven minutes long, mostly speaking (not singing), but we were determined to memorize every word. And we did – eventually. 

A few weeks ago I thought of the song and found it on iTunes. It brought back countless memories as i listened to (and still remembered) the words; it was as if I magically was 15 again, if only for a mere seven minutes, without a care in the world – with a world of possibilities in life ahead of me. After ten years, I realize each word has so much more meaning than it ever did at the young age of 15. And it's all so true! So, with that being said, here is the song (enjoy!):

Ladies and Gentlemen...

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience... I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth – oh never mind – you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked... You're not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind... the race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this – tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. 

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life... the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't. 

Get plenty of calcium. 

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.. whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either — your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. 

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can... don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance... even if you have no place to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. 

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it's worth. 

But trust me on the sunscreen...